Letter to the Observer - Sunday January 26, 2003

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he'srunning out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street.
Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me
queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me,
but so far I haven't been able to discover what.

I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but
he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr
Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources -
that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street
telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.
Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the
police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need
evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up
with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a
pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his
plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly
murdering people.

Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic
firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently
that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it
clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade
in and do whatever I want!

And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq
is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one
certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the
US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never
threatened us. That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill
his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then
he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally
unacceptable way.

Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is
that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass
destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as
much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush
has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a
safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'.

It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when
you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all>terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is
only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about
would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate,
since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already
eliminated themselves. Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who
could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's
achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But
then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the
only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all
Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of
the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't
like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be
really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going
too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President
of the United States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough
reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the
whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand
over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and
interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over
nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to
kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing -
and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one
street.